pcsing

This song rang through my head over and over when we boarded our flight to PCS to Hawaii in 2010. I never knew 3.5 years could go by so fast. I didn’t know I would actually be sad to leave this place. But home is where you make it (I ditched “Home is where the Army sends you” on that same flight). You have to embrace change and make the best of it. But here I sit trying to decide if Hawaii is still home.

Of course the Army has the ultimate last say; but we do have input. With our children’s special medical needs, requirements and Hubs job, there are only so many bases we can be stationed at. We have acquired several notes and reports from doctors and therapists documenting reasoning behind us staying in Hawaii. It’s basically a ace in the hole.

In my “old” age, I have come to the way of thinking that everything happens for a reason and if it is meant to be, it will happen. And as if on course, we got a one year extension without needing that ace. I felt it was what was best of our children and Hubs career. We are now a few months into that extra year. And with not to much time left, we have come to the cross roads again of “do we stay or do we go {now!}*

My mind has entered this state of brain fog. Mulling around the pros and cons, I feel like my head might explode. I have been brought to tears, fears, joy and anger. You have to understand there are two trains of thought when a military spouse moves to “paradise”.

I hate it
I love it

It is pretty simple. Either you love living here, embrace its beauty and enjoy exploring the island; or you don’t. Lets face it Oahu is only 44 miles long and 30 miles wide. Which means you can easily drive around the entire island in a day (twice!). After doing that a few times, you have 2 years and 11 months left with nothing to explore or discover. Island fever soon sets in and your on Facebook asking how easy it is to do Space A; when you realize air fare is $1000/person.

Which you see is a major dilemma. Especially when family thinks A) you chose to move thousands of miles away from them and don’t plan on coming home to visit so B) family refuses to visit you saying its to far to travel. But expect you to travel with three kids under 5 = $5000 in plane tickets (irritated much? yes.)

So am I #1 or #2? I guess that is one thing I haven’t really cared to figure out. I am to busy to dwell on hating or loving it here, so I live in the moment. However, at the end of each day when my kids are in bed, 99.9% of the time I am sitting down with a smile on my face. Don’t get me wrong; I get homesick like everyone else. The only difference is knowing that no matter where we are stationed I will be homesick. Hubs and I always comment that we love it here and if they would build a road across the ocean to get us home, we would never leave. Having no family here for support or companionship is the ONLY draw back for our family. So knowing that is going to change next year is a incredible feeling and something that keeps us and our mainland family going each day.

So you ask what the problem is and why I have rambled on for 5 paragraphs on loving or hating Hawaii; and the answer is what if you had to choose between family and therapy?

I have started researching potential duty stations and every one I come across has a wait list for every services my children require. Some are over a year. A lot can happen in a year for our children; set backs, regression and relapse. So here is the final question –

Would you sacrifice living close to family for access to therapists for your children; or would you sacrifice access to therapists for family?

Ultimately do we have a choice. No. But it relaxes me to pretend we do. What upsets me most is the fact we have to sacrifice something; and that something is the two biggest things in our lives. Why does it have to be like this? I could keep writing on and on about this, but I’ll leave it at this- which would you choose?

*Sorry I have these genes in me that if I hear a phrase related to a song I tend to burst out in chorus. So bare with me.